Day 9 and 10 of ABC's

(DAY 9)
Eaten:
1 rice crispie square = 160
2 pieces pizza + drink = 300
french toast with fruit and caramel = >300
wings and nachos (not many) = >200

total cal: 960
goal for ABC: 500


Excersized
30 mins walking
total burned: 139 calories

(DAY 10)
Eaten:
1 Popsicle
5 pieces chocolate

total cal: 90
goal for ABC: FAST DAY (0)


Excersized
90 mins walking

total burned: 393 calories

Day 7 and 8 of ABC's

(DAY 7)
Eaten:
nothing

total cal: 0
goal for ABC: 300


Excersized
30 mins walking

total burned: 139 calories


(DAY 8)
Eaten:

• fruit and chocolate at 1 a.m.
• 2 bowls of cinnamon toast crunch w milk, 10:00 a.m.
• 2 small chicken wraps, 12:00
• manchu wok, 7:00

total cal: 1200
Goal for ABC: 400 cals

Excersized:
walked 60 mins

total burned: 262

Days 5 and 6 of ABC's

(DAY 5)
Eaten:
1 grande strawberries and creme frappuchino from starbucks

total cal: >200 cals
goal for ABC: 200 cals


Excersized
walked for about two hours!

total burned: >669 calories
holy motherfucker.


(DAY 6)
Eaten:
1 mug green tea

total cal: 0!
Goal for ABC: 300 cals

Excersized:
walked for half an hour: 167

total burned: 167
holy motherfucker.

Day 4 of ABC's

Eaten:
1 small cookie
1 6-inch sub (veggie)
2 pieces of pizza  (purged)
6 pieces of mandarin
2 raspberries

total cal: 500+
goal for ABC: >300

Excersized:
Ran/walked for at least 2 hours = -540
biked for at least an hour at a fast pace= -800
MAJOR SITUPS = -300
walked for two hours = -540

Total burned: 2180
holy motherfucker.

day 2

SOOOOOOO
i dont exactly know how many calories ive had today...close to 500 though :/
i'm so annoyed i didn't count, but i was at a friend's house - we had snacks and stuff >.>

SO as penalty, I am now attempting my hardest for a liquid fast for tomorrow! If i can do that, then I wont feel guilty for loosing it today! :$
I still feel terrible about this. and i had that mcdonalds that i purged yesterday - not a good start to ABC's...

THINSPIRATION OF THE DAY:

binge.and.purge

strange day

ate:
2 chicken wrap snackers from tim hortons - 380cal

purged - big mac meal (put infront of me!) - +1500cal

so my total should still stand at around 500 calories, maybe a bit more.
limit for today's ABC = 500.

loss of sight, back on track!

i lost sight in where i was going,

today was unofficial-official binge day, because i wanted to rid my mom's house of all things yummy-looking before ABC's start tomorrow.
i'm definatly docking calories tomorrow for that....that was a dumb idea.
i probably consumed like 2000 calories >.>
i feel so guilty, but at the same time, it was kind of nice to feel full..
i'm going back to regular tomorrow, i felt too broken today...

i only feel beautiful if i'm toppling over from hunger pains,


ABC's start in one hour, 39 minutes...im so excited!

I didn't mean to...

I didn't mean to...

I started my day with a muffin, 

then had pie in math class, which i then threw up

and came home (walking) and had pudding

total? 230calories.

And then i had this AMAZING idea >.>

"i should just keep eating, because if i'm doing this ABC thing in a few days, i should completely mess my body up by eating more then i do normally and then starving it fully again!"

...yeah I'm up to approx 650 calories.

and i'm DISGUSTED AGAIN. 

omfg, i need to get my facts in order before i do anything like that again. The ABC's will keep me on track, I know it - i'll diet and make plans for it - done! 

But right now, I NEED to stick to <500cals.

I'm doing liquids tomorrow as punishment. Fml.

Do You Know?

Do you know what it's like...

To eat pudding with a wooden skewer because you want it to last seeing as it's the last 80 calorie portion of your day?
To feel so guilty for eating a few mouthfuls of pie that a friend bought ...to go purge and undo it all?
To feel so utterly disgusting, fat, horrible, revolting ...all the time?
To have purged a total of 12 times?

Food intake:
1 muffin
few mouthfuls of pie
1 portion of fat free, sugar free jello

Physical Activity:
30 min walk home (-300 cal)

Totals:
+450+80-300 = 230 cal


I'm tired of this :/

ABC's start in four days!

Revolted at Myself, Rewards?

Definatly not a good day....

I woke up with the intention of ONLY eating what was in the small tupperwear in my fridge (full of strawberries, raspberries, and bananas with lemon juice) but then I was invited to Tim Hortons. Of course. >.>
and my friend even bought me food! so I couldn't not eat it, I would feel terrible. So I had some iced capp, and chili with a bun and a small wrap.
So fat. So disgusting. I'm revolted.

Tomorrow will be better, I will be stronger.
5 days, forty minutes until ABC's start! :D

REWARDS FOR ABC COMPLETION:

• blackberry ! 
• possibly a piercing or a tattoo :$ 
• a more beautiful, skinnier, more desireable person staring back at me in the mirror.

motivation?

only six days and two hours ..ish until I start my ABC's,
and I'm kind of regretting it now... I guess i just need more motivation? :s

23 Hours .

June 12, 2011

ABC's start on the 20th . MARK THE CALENDERS, SOMEONE'S GONNA CHANGE . -_- this is really going to hurt.

50 day ABCs....

I went another 23 hours without eating, and broke the fast on fruit. fml.

I miss you...

June 10, 2011

I miss you...

I miss the look on your face when you woke up. How tired you were, and how you looked at me and I knew I could wake you up whenever I needed you. It's a face I'm never going to forget, it was adorable.
I miss you, and I wish you didn't have her. But I know it's better this way, because I know I can never have you.

And I feel terrible for always talking to you about my eating, or about whatever issue I have. You don't need that, you have your own parental problems and people problems. I don't want you to get tired of me, but you're the best help I have.

I wish I could fix myself, but I don't know how this one's going to get better. I don't want to eat, and I feel disgusting when I do. I'm sorry.



I'll get myself back, and I'll be who you want <3 .
I love you anyways .

Alone Again

June 9, 2011 

I just want to leave. I want to get away from everyone besides the few people that are actually okay. I want to have the apartment, and I want to live my own life.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I really don't. I just feel...lonely and sad...all the time...

I don't want to label it as depression or anything along the lines of those, because I don't think it's that.

Now I'm only happy when I'm alone.

The alone, the silence is nice. I forgot how nice it was. It doesn't have anyone trying to help me, or ask any questions. It doesn't have anything, really. Nothing at all.

I don't feel that close to anyone besides A and Person #1....They both are really here for me, and they're the only people I tend to want to be with, even though I never want to be with anyone at all.

I feel like I'm barely living, but I don't want to die.

I went to the gym last night, but I ate a lot during the day. One cold bath and one cold shower as well.

I ate too much today. Really. Too much.

Yogurt and granola,

a muffin,

chinese from the school cafeteria,

a handful of popcorn,

mini-eggs,

and now meatloaf.

That's like a whole day of food. And a TON of calories and sugars. I'm so upset with myself. And I convinced myself that if i only eat the yogurt and granola, these healthy shakes I make, and crackers as well as go to the gym, then it's a good in-between solution between the water/liquid diet and a binge.

I'm tired of this and I don't know how it's going to get better.

I'm considering dating Person #2 again, as much as some people think it's a bad idea. He likes me, and I might need someone to encourage good things in my life right now, and show me that there's someone who truly and really loves me that's not just a friend. Something to live for.

And I want him right now,

It's his birthday. I miss him.

Breathe Me

June 8, 2011

I'm surprised I'm this okay. I really wouldn't be if I wasn't trying to build myself to be so strong. I want to be strong, so I must pay with happiness. Good price? Yes.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm tired of being sad, so I'm going to be happy. I don't know how I managed that for so long.

Today I feel like everyone except ... two people are slowly drifting apart from me. Like I'm stuck with this constant negative feeling like someone's plotting something against me, or they don't want to be around me. I don't want to feel like this, but I feel so irritated with everyone lately, I'm having the tendency to only see the negative.

We made more plans for the apartment today, myself and my friend "A". I started to think about the people that I would be rooming with. I want to move out so badly, but I want it to be with people that I can really stand living with.

I can't wait to leave, maybe I'll finally be independent.

But I want a new job, the hours for this one sucks. I kind of want to wait until I'm sixteen so that I can have a waitressing job.

I puked again last night - lasagna doesn't taste good the second time.

And I ate too much today - crackers, pizza, an iced capp, and I'm not planning on eating anything else today. I forgot how helpful my crackers were.

I forgot how many tips work for thinspo.

I forgot how much money we all spend on food.

I'm sorry, I'm going back into eating troubles.

And I have figured out that I don't want to date Person #2 (the one I messed around with that would be the answer to all our problems) I would rather stay right where I am. B, you can have him.

When the right guy comes along, we'll already be dating.

"Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe"

Sia - Breathe Me

I'm Not Worth Your Tears

May 19, 2011


Time has run out, for me.

Everything's distant and I don't know what to believe.
It's so hard, lost in the world confusion.
And I need to leave, for a while.
Life is so meaningless, there is nothing worth a smile.
So goodbye, I'll miss you.

And I'm sorry, but this is my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.

It's been the years, of abuse.
Neglected to treat the disorder,
That controls my youth, for so long.
I'm in a fleshy tomb, buried up above the ground.
It's no use, why should I hold on?
It's been five years, don't need one more.
So goodbye, life's abuse.

And I'm sorry, but this is my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.

And I'm sorry, but this my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.

Songs used:

Jamestown Story - Goodbye (I'm sorry)

I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now...

May 13, 2011

Let me tell you a story of a girl,
She feels alone, like she's doing all the wrong things in her life. But she doesn't want to go back to the place where she once was. She likes living a life of uncertainty, but hates having to be alone. She's most vulnerable when she's alone.
She's sad that you have gone. But she is happy that she is strong enough to live without you.
She is upset that a person in particular has not tried to help her more, but happy that he decided to stay away and not nag. She wants help, but she doesn't know for what...


Lust
If you could bring yourself to see
By your utterly blind eyes
How much she pays, what a fee
The wall behind which she cries

Cries for others who have lost
The battles that were surrendered
Those silent lines that were crossed
Heroes have been rendered

For nothing is more important as getting through
But by your blindness, I cannot see
If only you could take a fucking clue
And see what you really mean to me.


But you don't care, so why should I?