Watch me while I bleed.

the only way i can keep my head up at school is if i can find drive to do something.
crying over every class isn't going to help me.

ate half an apple and a coke zero today,
walked half an hour
almost passed out again
ate fruit and dinner (purged.)
kept down grapes.

total calories: 100 - sigh.
total net cals:  -200 or so
total diet pills: 4  - OD'd again.
total smokes: 1


fasting tomorrow until sushi. sigh.

I still feel so fat. 
make me as invisible as I feel.


**LOST 2LBS IN 4 DAYS.
.
.
.

Let's just say...

today is Thursday

Monday - purged all but 2pieces toast, 3 marshmellows, 3 crackers.
Tuesday - nothing, 3 diet pills
Wednesday - celery, 1 cokezero, binge then purge.  3 diet pills .
Thursday - purged all but coke zero, half an apple.

total for 3days:  500-600
net cals: i dont know ... lots of walking.

i feel like i'm going to pass out .
hey mom! your daughter just overdosed on diet pills.






Can't you see I'm dying? I'll never be good enough.

Help, I'm Alive.

YESTERDAY
out for breakfast - omlete with spinach, feta and tomatoes, homefries, toast and fruit. and apple cobbler.
wrap with lettuce and low-fat chicken
sushi and green tea
hot dog, smores
5 smokes

bad day? i think so. >500 calories. -.-

deductions:
walked 1hr+
-300 calories.



TODAY
cheerios with almonds, walnuts and raisins (close to 300 calories)
wrap with omlete (cheese and salami) - (400)

deductions:
worked (-1290)



why does it have to be so hard to be perfect?
You're not attracted to me - you need to be. I want to make you attracted to me.
because I'm attracted to you...

why am i never good enough for anyone?
.
.
.
.

Work My Ass Off

11:59 p.m. update

sushi (purged)
drank coffee,
2 smokes
cheerios and almonds, walnuts and raisins
1/3 cup lowfat yogurt
walked in a mall for 4 hrs,
40 mintues walking
subway - healthy sub with veggies


calories so far: close to +700 probably
calories burned so far: did 1 rep, -1000 calories
























It's not that I'm broken
or hurting,
or in pain,
It's that I'm invisible.




2:23a.m.
THIS. IS. BULLSHIT.
WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKING GET IT THE FUCK RIGHT?
i'm not strong enough
pretty enough or god enough
for anyone or anything.
I can't stick to a fast,
I can't starve
I'm not in pain from hunger, God knows how much I want to be.

Fuck off, Fat!

1:02 p.m. update

eaten a wrap from mcdonalds + fries +coke zero  (purged)
water
walked halfhour
banana
pizza (purged)
2 smokes
30 minute walk
peach
chicken broth



im such a fucking fatass. do you not understand how much I want to get away and be invisible? No one AT ALL would notice I'm gone.

So far..

11:16 p.m. update

movie theater popcorn and 2 mouthfulls fruitopia
Water.
Lg triple triple

walked for 30 minutes,
walked for 54 minutes

burned 533 ...i think it was more but thats what the internet said. my legs kill and it was far and SO fast.