Alone Again

June 9, 2011 

I just want to leave. I want to get away from everyone besides the few people that are actually okay. I want to have the apartment, and I want to live my own life.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I really don't. I just feel...lonely and sad...all the time...

I don't want to label it as depression or anything along the lines of those, because I don't think it's that.

Now I'm only happy when I'm alone.

The alone, the silence is nice. I forgot how nice it was. It doesn't have anyone trying to help me, or ask any questions. It doesn't have anything, really. Nothing at all.

I don't feel that close to anyone besides A and Person #1....They both are really here for me, and they're the only people I tend to want to be with, even though I never want to be with anyone at all.

I feel like I'm barely living, but I don't want to die.

I went to the gym last night, but I ate a lot during the day. One cold bath and one cold shower as well.

I ate too much today. Really. Too much.

Yogurt and granola,

a muffin,

chinese from the school cafeteria,

a handful of popcorn,

mini-eggs,

and now meatloaf.

That's like a whole day of food. And a TON of calories and sugars. I'm so upset with myself. And I convinced myself that if i only eat the yogurt and granola, these healthy shakes I make, and crackers as well as go to the gym, then it's a good in-between solution between the water/liquid diet and a binge.

I'm tired of this and I don't know how it's going to get better.

I'm considering dating Person #2 again, as much as some people think it's a bad idea. He likes me, and I might need someone to encourage good things in my life right now, and show me that there's someone who truly and really loves me that's not just a friend. Something to live for.

And I want him right now,

It's his birthday. I miss him.