Watch me while I bleed.

the only way i can keep my head up at school is if i can find drive to do something.
crying over every class isn't going to help me.

ate half an apple and a coke zero today,
walked half an hour
almost passed out again
ate fruit and dinner (purged.)
kept down grapes.

total calories: 100 - sigh.
total net cals:  -200 or so
total diet pills: 4  - OD'd again.
total smokes: 1


fasting tomorrow until sushi. sigh.

I still feel so fat. 
make me as invisible as I feel.


**LOST 2LBS IN 4 DAYS.
.
.
.

Let's just say...

today is Thursday

Monday - purged all but 2pieces toast, 3 marshmellows, 3 crackers.
Tuesday - nothing, 3 diet pills
Wednesday - celery, 1 cokezero, binge then purge.  3 diet pills .
Thursday - purged all but coke zero, half an apple.

total for 3days:  500-600
net cals: i dont know ... lots of walking.

i feel like i'm going to pass out .
hey mom! your daughter just overdosed on diet pills.






Can't you see I'm dying? I'll never be good enough.

Help, I'm Alive.

YESTERDAY
out for breakfast - omlete with spinach, feta and tomatoes, homefries, toast and fruit. and apple cobbler.
wrap with lettuce and low-fat chicken
sushi and green tea
hot dog, smores
5 smokes

bad day? i think so. >500 calories. -.-

deductions:
walked 1hr+
-300 calories.



TODAY
cheerios with almonds, walnuts and raisins (close to 300 calories)
wrap with omlete (cheese and salami) - (400)

deductions:
worked (-1290)



why does it have to be so hard to be perfect?
You're not attracted to me - you need to be. I want to make you attracted to me.
because I'm attracted to you...

why am i never good enough for anyone?
.
.
.
.

Work My Ass Off

11:59 p.m. update

sushi (purged)
drank coffee,
2 smokes
cheerios and almonds, walnuts and raisins
1/3 cup lowfat yogurt
walked in a mall for 4 hrs,
40 mintues walking
subway - healthy sub with veggies


calories so far: close to +700 probably
calories burned so far: did 1 rep, -1000 calories
























It's not that I'm broken
or hurting,
or in pain,
It's that I'm invisible.




2:23a.m.
THIS. IS. BULLSHIT.
WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKING GET IT THE FUCK RIGHT?
i'm not strong enough
pretty enough or god enough
for anyone or anything.
I can't stick to a fast,
I can't starve
I'm not in pain from hunger, God knows how much I want to be.

Fuck off, Fat!

1:02 p.m. update

eaten a wrap from mcdonalds + fries +coke zero  (purged)
water
walked halfhour
banana
pizza (purged)
2 smokes
30 minute walk
peach
chicken broth



im such a fucking fatass. do you not understand how much I want to get away and be invisible? No one AT ALL would notice I'm gone.

So far..

11:16 p.m. update

movie theater popcorn and 2 mouthfulls fruitopia
Water.
Lg triple triple

walked for 30 minutes,
walked for 54 minutes

burned 533 ...i think it was more but thats what the internet said. my legs kill and it was far and SO fast.

goal declarations.

8 days including today until school - i can loose 8 pounds. lets do this shit.
today is water fast,
tomorrow is water fast
water fast water fast water fast water fast
if i need to, some liquids generally.

1 cup of water every hour regardless.
1 mug of tea/day




i will reach 140 by christmas.
130 by march break/next summer depending

the treadmill comes on the 15th - I probably won't get off it.



KEEP CALM AND DON'T BINGE.

Perfection.

29th of August = 10:00 a.m. - 9:00 a.m. (30th)

***1 "rep" = 10 crunches, 10 left side crunches, 10 right side crunches, 10 crunches arms up, 10 side leg lifts, 10 other side leg lifts, 10 leg lifts, 10 lunges, 10 squats. 


hard candies,
3 pieces pizza (small slices)
rockstar energy drink
bologna
sweet chili heat doritos chips

2 reps
walked for 1hr 11mins + 1 hour 30 minutes + 30 minutes +


Fuck this. I want to be perfect.


p.s. i made a new tumblr for thinspo: http://simplythinspo.tumblr.com/



why couldn't you just love me instead?

I Give Up. I Missed You, Ana

Eaten 
banana ,
apple ,
green tea ,
water ,
whole-wheat pasta with sauce and beef and onions 


Excersized
nothing so far, at least yoga and a million lunges later,

Did I Have To Cut?
Two cuts today.

Thinspiration

I just want to be you, that's too much to ask for.

Hello Again.

Eaten/Drank/Smoked
1 coffee
1/2 teriyaki chicken and noodle bowl (out with a friend)
ice cream cone (out with a friend)

total calories: probably above 500 with sauces and stuff..

Excersized
walked in the mall for 3 hrs,
-980 calories

planned to do some lunges/squats and stretching before bed tonight.


Thinspo: 
\


Mood
I'm not perfect. Why can't I be perfect?

no excuses.

Eaten
binge on hotdogs, cheerios, strawberries, bacon.  (purged)
perogies and a muffin
pack of licorice
sushi with friend (purged)

total calories: 650+450+300 = 1400
gah.

Excersized
walked half an hour -161
200 squats and lunges before bed.


Thinspo



Mood
can i call this bulimia now? all i do is throw up and i hate it. id rather get out of this spiral where all i think about is food. im eating because of stress - i know that. and not using it as an excuse either.

Living...Barely

Eaten
marble slab ice cream,
burger and salad (purged)
cheesecake cup
cheerios and a muffin (purged)

total calories: still far too many.

Excersized
work -351
walked 2hrs -653

total: -1004

Thinspiration

Mood
definatly not okay.

Can't Beat Em, Join Em.

Eaten
7 strawberries
ribs&mashed potatoes&2slices bread
crackers
movie theater popcorn (no butter)
food out (chicken, beef and veggies)
timothy's iced coffee...stuff lol.

total calories:too many

Excersized
-356+ calories from work
designing my own workout plan today, so hopefully that'll get underway.

-904 calories (mall walking + 520 ab and leg excersizes)

GRAND TOTAL:  1260+
Thinspo

Help, I'm Alive.

Eaten/Drank/Smoked
french toast  10:00 a.m.
1 smoke - 12:30 p.m.
pasta and sausage
binge on Froot Loops
crackers


Excersized
6.2 km walk. Boiling hot .. took me 73 mins.
-461 calories.

if you count sleeping, that's  -544 calories too.


Thinspiration



Mood
I can't call this anorexia. I'm not anorexic. I need to stop eating like an effin regular person - it's getting me nowhere.

Weak. Goal?

155lbs - my shoes that i'm in love with


Eaten
sausage&veggies&pasta
DQ - ice cream that's mostly milk...
out for dinner - stir fry with noodles and chicken

Calories: about 700+

Excersized
Walked for 30 mins so far,

-193

Thinspo





Mood
managed to have a smoke at midnight or so last night/this morning. I just kept saying "what have i done?"
I. Must. Be. Skinny.

Too Much...

feelin worthless .


Eaten/Smoked/Drank
...close to 6 cups of coffee i think
Diet Dr.Pepper
granola and yogurt,
bread
chicken and ketchup

Calories: ....500 something? :s

Excersized
walked for 30 minutes

-193 calories


Thinspiration





Mood
1:37 - not having any other liquids today besides water. totally liquid-ed out.
I'm feeling worthless, like I'm never good enough. I wish I could be your girl.

7:54 p.m. I just want to be skinny, is that too much to ask? too much annoyance non-food-related and I'm completely binging out, and i completely hate it. no control. sooo bad. im never good enough, so why do i want to drown my sorrows in a big bowl of cheerios?

Mistakes.

Eaten:
(out for breakfast...)
french toast, hash browns, eggs and apples
(came home)
kept eating...
spoonful of nutella, 10 chips, coffee, 1/2cup corn&carrots

total calories: close to 600-700 i think .

Excersized:
three hours walking, -1,158

Thinspiration


I could have done so much better. I'm a screw up, and I'm never good enough for anything.
August doesn't deserve to be my bitch, anyone deserves better then me.
Ana does too.

Plus One

gained a pound from the stupid binge yesterday :/ that wasn't even a binge! >.<
I'm going out with a friend for breakfast sometime this week, hopefully that'll be okay...


Eaten
totally dont want to list it.
+1000 calories. no binge.

Excersized
Swam for 2hrs,
badminton for 2hrs
1 hr hike at the gorge

total calories burned: 2,140 ...


Thinspiration



Mood
as weird as this is going to sound, i kind of want to go to the doctor's just to see what they'd diagnose me with...bipolar, depressed, anorexic. whatever? idk, i think it would be silly.
I'm def NOT going besides to get ADD pills - which apparantally curb hunger.

My Best Friend Ana.

Eaten
chicken wrap,
cereal and yogurt,
mouthful of pasta
skinnycow icecream sandwich (was bought FOR me >.>)

total calories: close to 800?
I feel like a cow.

Excersized
worked for five hours - constantly on my feet and walking like no other,
need to do 1000 abs tonight to feel almost alright,

total expected to burn: 1,251 ...


Thinspo:

you'd love her...


Mood:
I'm in the negative cals for today, but I'm not happy about it...I could have done so much better...
Those painkillers...they mess with your head. My vision keeps going weird and I keep stumbling over things. I have to babysit tonight and tomorrow so I had to eat something because I was already falling down at work trying to do the seemingly obvious...cleaning tables like a racehorse.
I wish I could take more without being worried about killing my internal organs..I wish I could do pot.

I actually just wish I could chainsmoke without having anyone smell it...

I don't want to talk to anyone, I want to give Ana my whole attention. She's my best friend.

Q&A From Tumblr

I am:
[x] anorexic
[] ednos 
[X] bulimic 
[] living off diet pills 
[] hungry 
[] thirsty 
[x] drinking something 
[] Under 100lbs 
[x] fasting/starving myself

PEOPLE: 
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic 
[x] have called me fat
[x] have said I’m skinny
[x] have said I’m ugly 
[x] have said I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me 
[x] force me to eat 
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more 
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH: 
[x] I was THIN 
[x] I had a better body 
[x] I didn’t have to eat 
[x] I could control myself 
[x] I was under 110lbs 
[x] I could avoid food 
[x] I could hide what I am 
[x] I wasn’t fat 
[x] I was pretty 
[] I could stop being anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I LOVE:
[x] feeling hungry 
[x] seeing a difference when fasting 
[] shaking 
[x] feeling airy 
[x] losing weight 
[] being anorexic/bulimic 
[x] green tea 
[] diet pills 
[x] being able to turn down food 
[] feeling good about myself 

APPEARANCE: 
[] I am shorter than 5’4
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes
[x] I have many scars 
[x] I wish my hair was a different color
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[x] I have/had braces 
[] I wear glasses 
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free 
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger 
[x]  I have more than 2 piercings
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears 
[] I have freckles 

FAMILY:
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents
[] I’ve run away from home 
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house 
[] My biological parents are together 
[] I have a sibling less than one year old 
[x] I want to have kids someday
[] I’ve had children 
[] I’ve lost a child  
[] I can’t have children

RELATIONSHIPS: 
[x] I’m single 
[] I’m in a relationship
[] I’m engaged 
[] I’m married
[] I’ve gone on a blind date 
[x] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper
[xxx] I miss someone right now 
[x] I have a fear of abandonment 
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship 
[] I’ve gotten divorced 
[XXXXX] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did 
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship
[x] I’ve been ‘the other woman’

SEXUALITY: 
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher 
[] I am a cuddler
[] I’ve kissed in the rain
[] I’ve hugged a stranger 
[] I have kissed a stranger

BAD TIMES: 
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol
[] I regularly drink
[] I can’t swallow pills
[x] I can swallow numerous pills at a time without water
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset
[] I take anti-depressants
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it 
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose
[] I’m addicted to self harm
[x] I’ve woken up crying 
[x] I’ve lost weight 
[x] I’ve gained weight 
[x] My weight holds me back 
[x] Weight consumes me 
[x] I’m at my thinnest 
[] I’m at my biggest 
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off 
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back 
[x] My weight affects my mood 
[x] I weigh myself daily 
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me 
[] I thrive on compliments 
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size 
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry 
[x] I get depressed after I eat 
[x] I’ve skipped a meal 
[x] I’ve thrown food away 
[x] I’ve spit food out 
[x] I’ve fasted 
[] I’ve taken diet pills 
[] I’ve used laxatives 
[x] I’ve purged 
[x] I exercise 
[] I exercise so I can eat 
[x] I work out secretly 
[x] I work out daily  
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion 

I’ve done: 
[x] Weed 
[x] Cigarettes 
[x] Alcohol 
[] Diet pills 
[x] Pain killers 
[] Sleeping pills
[] Anti-depressants 
[] Ecstasy 
[] LSD 
[] Mushrooms 
[] Speed 
[] Cocaine 
[] Other
 
HABITS:
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret 
[x] I look at thinspo 
[x] I collect thinspo 
[x] I count calories 
[x] I’ve had negative intake days 
[x] I avoid food 
[x] I hate food 
[] I love food 
[x] I want to be this way 
[] I don’t want to be like this 
[x] I wish I could have more control 
[x] Being thin is my top priority 
[] I am in treatment 
[x] I’m doing this for me 
[x] I’m doing this for someone 
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself

Watch the Numbers Go Down.

I reached 160. SO proud. I have NO desire to touch, look at, or want food at all. Right now, I never want to eat again, food does nothing for me.

Eaten/Smoked/Drank
4 cups coffee (w.milk)
1 smoke
salad and wrap from dinner (we went out)

total calories: DEF can't be more then 100
-_- i wish i had done better. I didn't want the food. As I was eating it, I was thinking "wow this is absolutely disgusting" ...

Excersized
45 minutes walking in heat.
-280 calories :3

Thinspiration


^^^taylor momsen.

Mistakes, Mistakes

Eaten/Smoked/Drank
hot dog,
piece of chocolate,
1/2 piece of french toast,
5 cigs >.>

Total calories = about 270 ..

shit.
not in a good place right now. long stories.

Thinspiration

Simply Thinspiration 2

would you rather:
get fucked or be fat?
wear a bikini or layers to the beach?
get double takes or have a double-scoop?
see your beautiful bones or have that piece of cake?
have people notice you or eat those cookies?
find love&be loved or eat that food?
binge or be proud of your fast?


Dear Ana,
have all of me, I don't want to eat anymore.
Lydia.
.

Listen To Ana, She Knows

I'm having people over tonight so i had to do baking for them during the day >.<

Eaten/Smoked/Drank
licked spoons off cookie dough >.> my little weakness...
snacked on chips,
too much to drink .

total calories: too much alcohol to tell.


Excersized


Did I Have To Cut?
i cut all of FAT when i was drunk + two on my wrist


Thinspiration





I'm so scared I'm going to binge, I went down another pound today. Finally some rewards for my work. I'm so tired and I don't want to have to rely on smoking to get me through days. Once I can't smoke anymore, then what am I going to do? I'm having like two smokes a day now...
.
.
I'm scared what's going to become of me, but for now I'm listening to Ana.
.
5:00 p.m. Holding strong, people haven't arrived yet - they come at seven and there's food out the wazoo over here >.<
.

Punishment Day

Yesterday was NOT okay....after all that work liquid fasting for 64 hours. faack.

Eaten/Drank/Smoked
2 cig
1 mug green tea

Excersized
200 abs
50 squats

i know, pathetic.


Did I Have to Cut?
final slash in F for yesterday.


Thinspiration



Totally screwed up yesterday, this is not okay. I was doing so well and I broke it over my faveourite food of all time, strawberries and french toast and alcohol...




p.s.  theres more followers! thank you so much guys, I really love having people who can relate to me reading!
<3 don't hesistate to email me at lcdsrox79@live.ca or find me on PT under QuietScreamsTruth
.
.

Here We Go.

Eaten/Drank/Smoked
boiled 1/2 apple with cinnamon (purged)
ate 1 cracker because I felt like I was going to puke? o.o
lunch with a friend - sushi (VERY healthy as well)
100-cal fiber bar
1 smoke
....a friend came over... strawberries, pancake and french toast and ALCOHOL...

Total calories: close to 1500 probably.

Excersized
I was out for 4 hours, i walked for about 1 1/2 hours total.
Did the Machine Ab Excersize on advanced again >.>


My scale says 163

Thinspiration





I know i could have done better today, but lunch with my friend was way overdue as it is.
I need to loose as much as effin possible by thursday - i'm having a...friend over.
BAHH, WHY WONT THE DAMN WEIGHT JUST GO AWAY!?
.
.

Simply Thinspiration 1

Focus: Covergirls .

Drew Barrymore

Rihanna





Taylor Swift

Did I Grow Up According To Plan?

Song of the day - perfect by Simple Plan
Good Enough by Evanescence

Eaten/Drank/Smoked
water like theres no tomorrow - bathroom like 10 times >.>
2 cans diet dr.pepper
2 smokes
1 mug tea
metamusil with water

total calories: 0!!! :D

Excersized
55 minutes walking - about 5.7k
200 abs

Did I have to cut?
Hellno.


Thinspiration


Taylor Swift



Megan Fox



Kristen Stewart







Covergirls , no doubt.

This is how I like it. I feel motivated. I'm doing my excersize. Theres no reason as to why im NOT loosing weight.

I feel almost like i'm cheating by having all the no-cal secrets, but at the same time, it rocks :$


Dear Ana, I've found out your tricks. Smoke+drpepper = NO hunger whatsoever